What to Do?

With 12 more inches of the white death, not you Snow.man, coming tomorrow, here is some advice for the winterly inept.....

1) Rush to the store this afternoon to make sure you have the essentials. Milk, eggs, duct tape, rope, and rat poison.

2) Buy a red light bulb so you can stay in and sharpen your knives in style while locking yourself in the house. Make sure to repeat the mantra "Yessss....you will be fed soon my pretty."

3) Buy a bottle of Whiskey. This should go without saying, but stay with me. Drink it tonight, so that tomorrow you will be able to sleep and dream of Carribean girls feeding you more whiskey.

4) Purchase two babies on the black market or from Chopper(his are the most talented fighters) and force them to fight to the death. This should take all day, and wackiness will undoubtedly ensue.

4) Make sure to winterize your car. Mount a rocket launcher and machine guns to blaze a trail through the shittily plowed roads and helpless pedestrians.

5) Buy a mail-order bride magazine and think about what life would be like if you spoke Russian and real love existed.

6) Clean your house to the point of perfection. This is important because after drinking said whiskey, you will want your floor clean when you finally pass out on the floor.

7) Buy a handgun, prank call 911, and when the cops show up, yell "I will save us all!!!" and go down in a blaze of glory before the weather hits.

8) Buy a life-sized statue of Steve Guttenburg. You can throw said knife at it all day and work on your aim.

9) Buy a life-sized statue of Kee-ah-noo Reeves and do the same, once the Gutt has been turned into a pile of blood and flesh. Did I say life-sized statue? I meant the real thing.

10) Buy a case of Rolling Rock beer. After you drink it, try to break the bottles over your own head. Everyone knows that the green bottles are the easiest to do so with.

I hope that this helps all three of you weather the impending doom about to befall all of us.