No TV and No Beer Make Homer Something Something

Even war hero types make funnys.

I can only hope to attain this level of coolness. Listen to the whole thing.

Mascots are not just for promotion anymore.

Be careful what you wish for.

My Ma would beat me down.

Lame

I thought it was some band that was cool...too bad. UPDATE because Chopper is a serial killer.

You people who like the delila song are assholes. This is better.

Superman Has Nothing on These Cats

I always liked Michael Keaton the best, and Christian Bale is a close second. The other two can bite it as far as I am concerned, despite their hollywood superstar status. Either way, it begs the question, Who is the best?

The Wonders of the Internets

Have you seen this one? I say sign her up...but alas, it was all staged, and I am forced to feel like the kid you offered a candy bar to, and then said that he wishes he had one too. Minor league baseball is bad ass.

Cinderella Story...

Nice job Fresno State U for the CWS. This is the best I got. Five minutes after the W, nothing on the Internets as they have seriously let me down, but this will have to do.

Is Very Bad to Steal JoBoo's Rum

So the players union and the league has formed a committee to look into the flimsiness of the maple bats that most players use. The fact is, you cant watch a whole game without seeing one explode into a million pieces. But I dont think that it has anything to do with the type of wood that is used. Ash, Maple, Larch...thats birch to you Americans...all make no difference. It is because the players are worshipping the wrong god. Jesus is good, but the fact remains that he cant hit a curve ball, but I digress. The best part of the article is Lance Berkman waxing poetic...

I just prefer the ash," he said. "It bends a little more than maple. I like the feel of the ball coming off the bat. When a maple bat dies, it's a spectacular occurrence, whereas ash bats slip gently into its good night.

Sorry for the shitty quality, but this is all I could find.

Why Play Guitar Hero When You Can Play Guitar?

Have you seen this one yet? I'll buy that for a dollar.

Its like the penny jar is really big.

Thanks for the advice, but I like my car thank you.

They have the same haircut.

In case you know a guy.

I Am Glad Neddy Bear Is So Tame

Imagine if the fearless leader of your Milwaukee Brewers said this.....Or he would threaten you with his boy Larry the Cable Guy.

I told him next time he does that I'm going to get my blade out and cut him. I'm a gangster. You go gangster on me, I'm going to have to get you. You do that again, I'm going to cut you right on the field

Now thats how you deal with your players.

Three Things I Never Thought I Would Hear

Sheets, RBI, Third.

Dont Tell Me How to Live

Though I try not to associate myself with websites that have "babes" as a link, this was a decent one. Not for the babes mind you, but for the article. Thats what they all say. Any way...while I can agree and disagree with some of his choices, namely the killers as I am by no means a hipster, here are some excerpts that I can wholeheartedly agree with.

Though I once caught my Ma humming along in the store, I hate this tune.
9. DON’T STOP BELIEVING – JOURNEY
"The middle aged guy who’s still in the suit he bought just to make sure he landed the Peterson account, which he did!"

This one is right out, as Matchbox 20 is lame, and Rob Thomas even more so.
8. SMOOTH – CARLOS SANTANA AND ROB THOMAS
"He’s pretty sure that the only way a better song would come along is if “Jimi came back from the dead to play with, like, Mozart, bro. Totally.”"

This guy needs to die quick. No...slowly and painfully, but very soon.
4. KID ROCK – BAWIDABA
"He’s pounding bud lights sitting at the bar in a shirt that’s either sleeveless, or with sleeves short enough to show off the tattoo he got to commemorate the animal that most closely resembles the demeanor he displayed while playing middle linebacker in high school."

I apologize for this one folks, but I hate the fucking Beatles, unless they are kids playing rock and roll. I cant even bring myself to find a video reference. I just cant listen to it. Even though I wear Teva sandals.
3. ANYTHING BY THE BEATLES - THE BEATLES
"They’ll probably be sitting with several other older people who are waiting for just the right time to pull out their story about when they first heard this beatles song, which will be a lie, since the actual first time they heard it they were smoking laced weed while awkwardly looking for a place to shoot their load in the circle jerk that just “sort of happened.”

Honorable mention goes to Billy Joel and the lame ass "I Will Survive Song." Though this one is nice, and a highly under appreciated band at that. More here, here, and here.

This is mostly in response to the recent revelations by the AP that people have been copying and pasting articles to their blogs. The Sweet Zombie Jesus Loves the internets way to much to let massive news outlets stop the lovely copy/paste feature. I will copy and paste what I want bitches.

Virtual Bags of Mail

If I were to have an online "mailbag" about something that I am supposed to know about, say the merits of Mill's utilitarianism over Kant's catagorical imperative, I think that I would not be an asshole. With virtually hundreds of "mailed in" questions, you would think that the selection of things to answer would mix it up and not choose the same question twice. Not so for the Neddy-Bear water-carriers at the local paper.

A: Brewers Mailbag - Addressed and answered.

What is that? Why waste valuable "space" with this? Why not find a different question in the "bag" to answer? There has to be a better one than one that was already answered. Also, the level of snarkiness in the answers is pretty lame. What happens if the question actually comes from a 5 year old kid who has his dad "send" it in?

A: Brewers Mailbag - If you read my Sunday baseball notes, you know that the Brewers are considering keeping that entire group together at Huntsville.

So sorry Mr. Baseball Guru...I suppose giving actual baseball-related answers to these questions is not your job...I will try to stay more informed from here on out...I have wasted your time and I am truly sorry.

A Great Day to be Half Dead

First, I am sorry for the shoddy quality. You people doth protest too much.

I wanted a shark with frickin lasers.

Real men worship Satan.

Archimedies did something like this as well.

I am really afraid now that they are making burgers.

So easy these guys can do it.

Who Would Have THought

I Am Heading to the Bunker...

...in the north woods. I am bringing lots of canned food, beer, and rifles. The reason being is that this is now a medical condition. What in the world are we heading towards people?

However, it may take a year to wean them off the "drug", said Dr Maite Utgès

Why is it that every time a child does something, it is now called an "addiction" or a "sickness"? Why is it that every kid that acts up in grade school is now given drugs to calm them down? Why not just tie them to a tree until they behave?
Yes, I understand that at some point, bad chemicals in people make them do crazy shit, but for fucks sake, buck up. Pharmys and shrinks are not the answer to every problem that afflicts children. What ever happened to being grounded? Or how about not letting them play video games and watch MTV until the damage to the brain is worse than any "recreational" drug? Reading is fundamental folks, and so is enjoying the sunshine. Though we havent had much of that around here lately. Give these kids a baseball and a glove, and tell them that they will play. Problem solved. Take all of this ADD bullshit out on another kid in an organized fashion.

You're Doing a Heckuva Job Brownie

Since those of us high on the cliffs overlooking the great lake Michigan did not have our homes destroyed, I am not sure if this is a laughing matter. But FEMA is apparently here to determine if the disaster in the southern part of the state is worthy of federal aid. I was thinking that since I generally save Saturday for sharpening my knives, I might drive down to the Dells to take some pictures and check it out.

This Gas is Making Me Crazy

Yes...I do not like paying over 4 dollars for a gallon of gas. Some people will do some pretty nutty things to avoid it though. Like riding your bike to work, or buying corn ethanol rocket shoes, or driving your car into a line of pumps. But the quote from the officer "I dont know what would posses someone to do something like this" seems kind of asinine.

Try this for a reason...crazy as a bedbug.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Jason Kendall just hit a tater.

Where Did It All Begin

I almost fell out of my chair this evening as I read this one. This guy has a point. When did it become cool to take all of the things that we watched as children and make them into movies? I like "The Dukes of Hazard." My Grandpa and I used to watch the shit out of that. Then they made this. I used to really enjoy Garfield as well. Come on, the A-Team, Night Rider, and now the Smurfs? Truth be told, my favorite part of the article is the video linked at the end. I never was a big Smurf fan, and Smurfette never really did it for me. And how many children these days even know what the originals were like? Obviously, talking animal movies and the like are targeted toward children. But what young 30-something couple is going to shell out $60 to take their kids to something that they will never understand?

If All I Saw Was the Headline...

LA reservoir covered with balls to protect water

It makes sense in the article, but whoever wrote that has to be laughing uncontrollably..

Nice Job Jr.

No drugs, no mess, way to go. These days, it is tough to hit the magical 600. And to do it without the juice, and to be a class act the whole time, is fucking bad ass. Find me a person who doesnt think he is one of the best of all time, and I'll find you a dead man.

Who is Going to Sing Koombaya

So it appears that man has been causing global warming since the dawn of time. What are all of the sweet lovable hippies to do when they cant have all night drum circles on the beach? I guess algore was right.

"By all means, I'd rather not have bonfires than have global warming"

Robby is not Nearly as Cool as Evil

Much needed respite.

Be careful what you wish for.

More than just bunny ears.

You could get hit by a truck.

Even a Milwaukee reference.

Let Me Ask You This

Why do you remove the best pitcher in the bullpen after 10 pitches and 2 K's?

You Wouldnt Let a Clown Fix a Leak in the Toilet, Would You?

via videosift.com

Anti-Extreme to the Super Max

So a few days ago, I saw this one about the banning of energy drinks. Today, I found this one.

every aspect of this calming drink was inspired by today’s popular hip hop artists who embrace the much sought-after hip hop lifestyle that encourages people to capture a stress-free state of mind.

What ever happened to warm milk, or eating a shit load of turkey, or large amounts of heroin? Besides, I always thought it was all about getting crunked up?

Something from Bizzaro World

So Bill E. Hall has unofficially asked for a trade through his agent. Under normal circumstances, I would call him a whiny bitch and ship him out of my brain. But today I feel a bit saucy, so I think I will be in his corner...right now at 623pm...and maybe until after tonights game. Where incidentally, he is facing the not-so-big-anymore unit. The only kind of pitcher that he hits, an aging lefty.

In Bill E's defense, he has done everything that the team has asked him to do. Play a utility infield role, short full time, center field full time, and finally to 3rd base. Up until the last 2 years his numbers have not been terrible, at least in the national league. My problem with the "not living up to his potential" argument is that he is only 26. If you ever thought that he was going to knock 35 dingers on a yearly basis, you sir are an idiot. His minor league stats indicate that he struck out around 1/4 of his at bats, and the big league numbers are relatively the same. Even in his best season, 2006, he struck out 30% of the time, on the way to said 35 homers. This year is right around that 30% mark. That seems to be an alright number, considering the best players only hit well 30% of the time. The fact is that you have to give the guy time to work through the slumps. Everyone has them. And platooning with the AAAA "muscle" seems to be working out for the time being. And dont we usually pile on Neddy Bear for sticking with players for too long? Give the kid a break and let the marathon that is baseball run its course. At the end of the year, look at the numbers and then decide.

OK, thats all I have. He is good in the community? He has helped the younger players this year? He has played great defense to save some of the runs he is not producing? Batting below the Mendoza line against righties is a good thing?

I suppose that it was a fruitless effort. Any player who whines through his agent that he wants more playing time is a baby. But who are you going to get for a vastly under performing player? Finish the season, play your role, and shut the fuck up. Who knows, maybe then you get sent to Boston, where you will really hear it from the fans. In some peoples minds, it is still OK to be a pro athlete and not cry every time something doesnt go your way.

SundayMonday Awesomness.

He's a big hitter, the llama.

Seems logical enough.

Makes me happy to live in Sconi'.

Something tells me that this is very real.

More than meats the eye.

Did you ever see "I'm Gonna Git You Sucka"?

The best part is not the pictures.

Please Excuse Me

As I am training it to the crappiest city in the Union today, Fun With the Internets will be postponed until my return. There is no need to take your toaster into the bathtub.